A grateful mother

We fought, pleaded, prayed, hoped, wished, cried for children. Mothers Day is a day of mixed emotions in my heart of hearts. It's a day that I'm easily brought to tears. Tears of gratitude, tears of pain, tears of loss, tears of joy. I never truly understood the sanctity and miracle of life until I saw with my own eyes a tiny white blob on the screen, heart beating, limbs wiggling. It grew even more amazing with each ultrasound the following weeks. We were blessed (& shocked) that our first round of fertility treatments worked!

At what would have been my 12 week mark, that ultrasound screen was met with tears, anger, confusion, and true heart ache. I'd never experienced true heart ache until that moment. Literal pain in my core, my heart. Our first child's heart beat no more.

We named him Gabriel.

I told Bonnie about Gabriel today. That I longed to hold and hug him when I go to Heaven. She said that she thinks he probably looks like Abram. She may be right.

We don't know what the future holds for our family and if we'll be blessed with more children. While we certainly hope so, I'm challenged to be grateful beyond measure for the children bestowed upon me. They are certainly spirited, energetic, and curious, but the Lord chose ME. He chose ME to be their Mother.

I'm teaching Bonnie about Mary (Christ's mother) this week. Today, she asked why God chose Mary to have Jesus. My answer was simple: She faithfully followed and obeyed God. I pray this as their Mother. I pray that above all, I would follow and obey the Lord with faithfulness. I pray that my children would see me devoting myself to following His commands and leaning on Him.

This year has been particularly difficult. Absolutely mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. We are just beginning to rise from the fog that the past year brought, but I remain in awe for how the Lord has protected and provided for our family through and through. We have much to be thankful for.

I am a daughter of the King and I am a Mother. A grateful Mother.

{Images below from our Monterrey & Carmel by the Sea vacation in March, 2017}