Triggers & Peace


**Written a month ago, but deciding to share before our baby girl arrives**

Many triggers have come my way these past few weeks. You see, a year ago, I sat on that exam table looking at an ultrasound image of a lifeless tiny baby form. An image that just a few weeks prior showed a heart beating away, a tiny body growing right on track... The silence was deadly. The Doctor took measurements. Silently. I couldn't look at Andrew. Nor could he look at me. He just held my hand and the tears began to fall. No explanation was needed. But, then the silence broke. The Doctor began the spiel where she explains how this isn't my fault. How it's common. How there's nothing we could have done and no way we could have known. Our little one likely just wasn't fit for this life. Those images, that moment, will never be erased from my memory. The minutes following of walking out through the office in front of the perfectly pregnant awaiting patients were painful. Oh, so painful. Not to mention that I had just finished a long stretch of night shift on at work and hadn't slept. That always helps... not. We had to wait in the car for an hour and a half for another appointment confirming what we already knew. I was hungry and tired, but my blotchy, red, tear filled face was no match for anywhere public and Andrew had to somehow use every minute to continue studying for his boards just a few days away. What now, I thought. What on earth, now?

That terrible day began months of me living in a dark place. That terrible day began months of trying to "be okay" and trying to be supportive of my newly pregnant friends. They graciously loved me through my pain and lovingly supported me through the months of treatments trying to get pregnant again. They listened to my anger about the bills that kept rolling in from the D&C my body required. I held such bitterness that my loss of a baby cost more than the birth of a baby.

...I couldn't help but smile when my "Gabriel wildflower" bloomed in the back yard this week. One single orange flower. A gift from above...
Though the weather was bright and sunny, those summer months were dark and dreary in my soul. They were stormy with confused emotions, lack of sleep, and what I believe to be acute depression. I leaned on the Lord, my husband, and friends/family as best I knew how. Then one month's of fertility treatments finally worked. I was overjoyed; but also confused with how to feel. I can only assume that others experiencing similar scenarios have felt some of the same realm of emotions. Will I always feel sad this time of year? I wonder. Was it just that I walked by that same exam room? Was is because I found my crinkled up airline ticket from the week we think that the baby was lost? Many triggers arose that week and I re-mourned our loss. Something tells me I needed to do so before our baby girl arrives. I needed to re-process those emotions and take the time to grieve. 

So, the the coast we went- surrounded by his creation. I dove into God's word. Listened to his promises with open ears and an open heart. Crying out to him, peace came over me. True peace. 

As we await the coming of our daughter, my heart and soul are overwhelmed with excitement. Andrew and I will always remember our first, our loss, the things we learned from it, how we grew, how we leaned on each other and on Christ like never before. But, with open arms, we welcome this baby... and we thank the Lord for the peace he has given.