It's been 6 weeks since finding out we miscarried.
In that time, I have found little bits of light and little positives- if you will. First of all, being open about becoming a member of the 'miscarrying club' has brought forth countless sweet conversations with other members of this awful club. Some old, some brand new. These have brought both heartache and encouragement. Some of these women were farther along, some less- but we each have one thing in common- we lost a precious little life so dear to our hearts and will forever hold a piece of our hearts for those lives.
The wildflower weeds that I so sadly ripped out from the front yard after my d&c bloomed. I suppose that I missed a few. Maybe on purpose- just to see what would happen. I know it's silly, but I planted handfuls of these seeds the day I found out I was pregnant. I sprinkled them with a beautiful picture in mind. A colorful flower bed- a welcoming refuge for butterflies; you get the picture. After 12 weeks, when nothing had bloomed and only weeds arose, I went to the yard and weeded away. I scraped and pulled. All I could think of was that the same exact thing had just occurred in my womb. But, alas, the remaining 'weeds' have bloomed. Just a few, but enough. All pinks, purples, and blues. One orange flower. Every time I see that one orange flower, I am refilled with hope. I think of Gabriel, and I am brought a small bit of peace.
Though apart, Andrew and I have grown in our prayer-life. When together, our evenings are filled with heartfelt cries to our Lord. We pray for each of our pregnant friends and their darling babies- we thank God for the weeks we had with our own baby and the desire to be parents that is buried deep in our hearts. Our prayer times provide a pathway to simultaneously and fully open our hearts to each other and to God. These moments are when my heart both smiles and cries most. In these moments, I see the fullness of Andrew's heart; and I am overwhelmed with thankfulness. In these moments, I feel the depth of God's love for me. Through Andrew's embrace, I feel God's comforting arms holding me tight. For this I am thankful.
I have learned that I am not in control. I am at the end of myself. I am broken. Being the planner that I am, this lesson is one I may have needed to learn and experience first hand for a very long time. 'We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.' Prov 16:9. So true. Lord, determine my steps, guide us in this path. Grant us wisdom and patience. Give me strength as I surrender my plans...
Having this level of transparency brings vulnerability, it brings judgement. But, I know the Lord will deliver, his glory will outshine, his peace conquer, his love move mountains.