We started talking about our dream house the other night. Dream home. Home.
You'd think that I would be thrilled to have this conversation, and it was actually quite enjoyable to wish and dream about our future. However, it really got me thinking. It surfaced fears that I didn't know I had. You see, in my nearly 25 years of life, the longest I've lived in the same city is 7 years. Otherwise, I moved frequently due to either my father's work (growing up) or due to school and my job/Andrew's school. Furthermore, the next decade includes more frequent moves with the Air Force. Moving is all I've ever known. My life seems to cycle in 4 year stints. 4 years here, 4 there, 2 here, 2 there. I don't even know what it's like to live in 1 home, 1 town, 1 place for good. That concept is so foreign to me.
Parts of it are exciting, other parts are scary. There's always been an "end in sight," a "light at the end of the tunnel." What does it look like to not have an end in sight. To be truly settled? Is it settled or stuck? Part of me loves the adventure of moving, discovering a new city, new people, a new set up. The other part of me hates the question, "where are you from?" It's never an easy answer.
Each town, home, culture, neighborhood, has inspired me, taught me, widened my world view. It's made me who I am today. For each of those places and homes, I am thankful.
Being such a planner, I struggle with letting go. I have a hard time trusting that God will provide the perfect future for us. Honestly, it's ridiculous that I struggle with this. It's incredibly silly because God has done just that all of my 24+ years. He has provided time and time again. Abundantly so. I'm in awe with how perfectly he has provided for me. What makes me think that He won't continue? "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" Mat. 6:26.
Here I stand, a grateful heart. Humbled by my Father's love for me.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11
Thank you Lord for laying my fears to rest. For loving me regardless of my sometimes lack of faith. I look forward to our future and someday dream home. I look forward to being settled wherever You lead us.
Anyone else have similar struggles?